My Heart is Stone But Still It Trembles
by jadelyjustjadely
Summary: After he catches his breath, he tries to sit back down, or go back inside, but finds himself unable to. He clenches his jaw, and looks up. It wouldn't hurt, he thinks, his pulse pounding. I don't think it would hurt. I'd hit the ground and be done. Quick. Easy. Two times Javert almost killed himself and the one time he did. Rated T for brief language. Trigger warning: suicide.


**A/N**; this hurt me a lot omg  
modern les mis au part two?  
yeah  
[title from javert's suicide] [*sobs in corner*]

the two times javert almost killed himself and the one time he did__

"You were born in a fucking jail. _You're not worth shit."_

He hadn't cringed when they screamed. He hadn't even blinked when they spit in his face. He had stood tall, as tall as he could be, for being only seventeen. His hands clenched, he had dipped his head and walked away, ignoring their snorts and scoffs behind him.

But sitting out on the roof now, he knows they were right.

He isn't crying, it doesn't depress him. It's simply a fact; he was born with scum, therefore, he is scum.

Javert stands up, carefully, making sure his foot is planted firmly. He looks down, and his eyes widen. The next thing he knows, he's slipping. His mouth opens and he lets out a yelp, but he catches himself.

After he catches his breath, he tries to sit back down, or go back inside, but finds himself unable to. He clenches his jaw, and looks up.

_It wouldn't hurt, _he thinks, his pulse pounding. _I don't think it would hurt. I'd hit the ground and be done. Quick. Easy._

He takes a step forward, so he's right on the edge of the rooftop. Kneeling down, he picks up a small branch that had been blown onto it, and throws it over. He listens for the _whack _or the _snap. _Nothing happens.

Javert sighs, shaking his head. He backs up, and walks back inside, but not without one last glance.

.

When most people think of stars, they think of beauty, or infinity, or something along those lines.

_They think of the superficial things_, Javert muses. _The best thing about the stars isn't their light. It's their solitude. It's their strength. It's their unchanging glare._

He scoffs. _Becoming a poet, are we? _He shakes his head, but his thoughts stay the same.

He looks down, staring into the darkness. He's quite high up, but he doesn't fear falling. For mainly two reasons.

One; he's sure of himself. He has enough footing, and balance, to know he won't fall unless pushed.

Two; he's never been scared of heights. Rooftops have always been his safe haven. Whether at school, during lunch, or at home, trying to get away from the drinking.

He sighs, and starts pacing. There's a third reason, but he shrugs it off.

(Three; he must find Valjean. He cannot end his life until that man is caught.)

_Of course, that would imply I plan on ending my life. _

He freezes momentarily. _I wouldn't, _he assures himself. _Suicide is a sin. I would not be so selfish._

But then he looks down again, and shudders. It would be simple. It would be fast. It would mean that the coldness would end.

He steps down from the ledge, and calmly walks away.

Javert thinks he must look insane.

Eyes wide, slightly wet, eyebrows furrowed, breath heavy. His appearance isn't too wild, but on the inside, he's falling apart.

_He could have killed me._

Javert is trying to sort out his mind. He starts with the basics, such as _inhale, exhale. Repeat. Good, breathing is good._

Next, he moves on to himself. _I am Javert. I am with the police. I am doing what God would want me to do._

He takes a breath. _Jean Valjean. Criminal. Thief. Father. Devil. Saint. _He laughs without humor. _He is a saint, and that is why he is the Devil._

"Jean Valjean has spared my life."

Saying it out loud doesn't help him much.

_He should have killed me._

Javert freezes.

He stands for a moment, thinking. Staring out into the night sky. Studying the stars.

His stomach twists._ I would have killed me._

Javert paces on top of the ledge. He looks down into the water, and clenches his jaw. Closing his eyes for a moment, he supposes that this was inevitable. He knows this has been coming for a while, and it upsets him that _Jean Valjean _is what finally broke him.

But he is broken now, and so, with a small gasp, he flings himself off of the bridge.


End file.
